Sea Story

My First Haircut

Life on a submarine for a new sailor (Non-qual, dink, scumbag, puke, nub) is very interesting and full of excitement. Even the most mundane of activities has an exciting air for a non-qual. I remember my first day underway. This is after I had awaken from a long sleep following finishing up my tour as a Crank (a guy on K.P. duty AKA cooks slave). I had quals to work on. So... being the smart non-qual that I was , I headed back to Machinery Two. As fortune would have it, there was a crowd of about 7 A-Gangers in AMR third level. I walked in and announced that I was ready for a checkout on some system (can't remember which one). Well, the COB (Chief of the Boat, [command Master Chief for you skimmers]) happened to be in the room shooting the breeze with the guys. He said I could have a checkout under one condition. I had to sit in the stool and everytime I got a wrong answer they would; spin me in circles, stop my spinning by grabbing my hair, cut off a handful of hair with the COB's pocketknife. Sounded good to me...


I didn't know as much about the system as I thought I knew. Wow!! there's a lot of little specific information to know for even the simplest equipment on a submarine. Like, "How many times did I have to retap the thread on the third bolt securing that pump to the deck?" I sure had a great haircut though. I looked like a Chernoble survivor! I walk up to the computer room which is just past the XO's and CO's staterooms. The XO notices me and gasps.


XO- "Sailor!? What happened to your hair?

ME- "I got it cut XO." (ask a dumb question...)

XO- "What the hell was used to cut your hair?"

ME- "It was a knife."

XO- "Did you do it yourself?"

ME- "No sir, it was done by some other people."

XO- "Who did this to you?"

ME- "You know sir, I'm so new that I can't really remember who they were."

XO- "You're not that new... Who was it!!?"

ME- "Sorry sir, I'm just not sure."

XO- "OK, where did it happen?"

ME- "Again sir, I'm so new that I don't really know my way around well enough. I'm not sure where I was."

XO- "Bullshit! You're dismissed!"


I took off and went and hid in DPER (pronounced deeper [the computer room]). Within 20 seconds you here over the 1MC, "Chief of the Boat, report to the XO's stateroom!" Well you could hear the XO explaining to the COB that he had better get to the bottom of the story regarding my haircut.


About 30 minutes later the messenger of the watch finds me and tells me to report to the Goat Locker (Chiefs Quarters). I walk in and find the COB and about 6 other chiefs sitting around in their lounge area. There is a stool, a towel, and some haircutting clippers. The COB sits me down and begins to cut my hair. He and the other chiefs visit with me, asking me questions about my childhood and my plans for the future. In the end the COB tells me, "You need to get out there and familiarize yourself with the boat and the rest of the crew now." Then he grabbed my qual card and signed it off for the system that my original "pocketknife checkout" had been for.



That COB saved my butt about a year in the future when I did something dumb on base. He had the reputation as being a mean old hardass. But, he took care of "his boys". Since the day I didn't rat him out, I became one of "his boys". That XO never did like me. But that's OK.