Sea Story II

Time for another Sea Story,

I was a fire controlman in the Navy. What a fire control technician does is pretty cool. We maintain and operate the digital fire control system. In other words, we do all the repair and maintenance on the system that is used to track contacts from all the different sensors (sonar, radar, periscope). And we operated the fire control system by determining the range, course, and speed of different targets after evaluating the bearing data over time. Then we would figure out how to shoot those targets with torpedos, (or tomahawk missles).

Our watchstanding involved maintaining current solutions on all contacts in order to provide the Captain with an overall picture of the tactical situation.

Whenever we went to periscope depth we had to do specific things to ensure that we were certain of the "solutions" on all contacts. The Captain would come up to the control room and the OOD would inform the captain of where he believed all the contacts were. The Captain would then give the OOD permision to come to periscope depth. After several years onboard I had developed a reputation of being very good at this part of my job, (getting solutions). The Captain would receive the report from the OOD and we would begin our ascent to persicope depth. The OOD would be riding the scope and the Captain would lean down and quietly ask me, "allright, what are these guys really doing?" It was nice to have the Captain have that much trust and respect for my abilities.

Now, whenever we were at periscope depth at night time, the control room would be "rigged for black", meaning all the lights would be out. This made it hard to see. The seat I was in was within arms length of the persiscope. Now, usually when the scope was out there would be a crowd of 5 or so people standing around the periscope station waiting to "take a turn". I always found this to be annoying because they would be bumping in to me. It was usually the J.O.'s who were there to get experience (or say they were they for official reasons when they really just wanted to see outside). So I started to play a game. Remember it was dark?? Well, I would reach over in to the group and pinch one of them on the butt. Usually the guy on the scope. I did this for a couple of years (about three or four patrols) without ever getting caught. I got J.O.'s, the CO, the XO, the NAV... whoever. Then on my last patrol, we were at periscope depth, rigged for black. The Captain was on the scope. I was reaching my hand over and was just about to pinch... and the Captain says in a low voice, "fire control, if you touch me... you'll be down in my stateroom later accross a green table from me" (meaning I would go to Captains Mast [non-judicial punishment]). "Aye Aye Captain" I say.

After we came down from periscope depth the Captain came over to me with a grin on his face and basically told me that he had known all along that it had been me doing it and that I should never assume that the Captain doesn't know what's going on. But, the gig was up and I should find something else to do now.

Sea Story

My First Haircut

Life on a submarine for a new sailor (Non-qual, dink, scumbag, puke, nub) is very interesting and full of excitement. Even the most mundane of activities has an exciting air for a non-qual. I remember my first day underway. This is after I had awaken from a long sleep following finishing up my tour as a Crank (a guy on K.P. duty AKA cooks slave). I had quals to work on. So... being the smart non-qual that I was , I headed back to Machinery Two. As fortune would have it, there was a crowd of about 7 A-Gangers in AMR third level. I walked in and announced that I was ready for a checkout on some system (can't remember which one). Well, the COB (Chief of the Boat, [command Master Chief for you skimmers]) happened to be in the room shooting the breeze with the guys. He said I could have a checkout under one condition. I had to sit in the stool and everytime I got a wrong answer they would; spin me in circles, stop my spinning by grabbing my hair, cut off a handful of hair with the COB's pocketknife. Sounded good to me...


I didn't know as much about the system as I thought I knew. Wow!! there's a lot of little specific information to know for even the simplest equipment on a submarine. Like, "How many times did I have to retap the thread on the third bolt securing that pump to the deck?" I sure had a great haircut though. I looked like a Chernoble survivor! I walk up to the computer room which is just past the XO's and CO's staterooms. The XO notices me and gasps.


XO- "Sailor!? What happened to your hair?

ME- "I got it cut XO." (ask a dumb question...)

XO- "What the hell was used to cut your hair?"

ME- "It was a knife."

XO- "Did you do it yourself?"

ME- "No sir, it was done by some other people."

XO- "Who did this to you?"

ME- "You know sir, I'm so new that I can't really remember who they were."

XO- "You're not that new... Who was it!!?"

ME- "Sorry sir, I'm just not sure."

XO- "OK, where did it happen?"

ME- "Again sir, I'm so new that I don't really know my way around well enough. I'm not sure where I was."

XO- "Bullshit! You're dismissed!"


I took off and went and hid in DPER (pronounced deeper [the computer room]). Within 20 seconds you here over the 1MC, "Chief of the Boat, report to the XO's stateroom!" Well you could hear the XO explaining to the COB that he had better get to the bottom of the story regarding my haircut.


About 30 minutes later the messenger of the watch finds me and tells me to report to the Goat Locker (Chiefs Quarters). I walk in and find the COB and about 6 other chiefs sitting around in their lounge area. There is a stool, a towel, and some haircutting clippers. The COB sits me down and begins to cut my hair. He and the other chiefs visit with me, asking me questions about my childhood and my plans for the future. In the end the COB tells me, "You need to get out there and familiarize yourself with the boat and the rest of the crew now." Then he grabbed my qual card and signed it off for the system that my original "pocketknife checkout" had been for.



That COB saved my butt about a year in the future when I did something dumb on base. He had the reputation as being a mean old hardass. But, he took care of "his boys". Since the day I didn't rat him out, I became one of "his boys". That XO never did like me. But that's OK.

Submarine Bubblehead Humor

OK..., Tubedaze and "Hey, Shipwreck" is very very funny

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Go to this website or here on Youtube to see what I'm talking about. It's an animated series from a talented bubblehead. Basically it's a social commentary on the funny, rediculous, stupid, crazy, zany, frustrating things that happen on a submarine from the perspective of a "blueshirt". Kind of a "Dilbert" for sailors, specifically submarine sailors. But the great thing is that besides some inside jokes everybod could relate to most of the observations. I know that it greatly resembles the fire department where I work.

WATCH ALL THE EPISODES IN ORDER, IT IS VERY REWARDING

To read about the artist in the Navy Times, click here.

I just wish he didn't call Henry M. Jackson an "obscure politician". Scoop was the man!! And "Scoops Diner" is a great place to eat.

Homily Joke

Got this from a priest who has a blog. He posts his homilies there (usually). This one is pretty funny. I'm going to send it to my Fire Chief. That should get me some brownie points!! Oh well, my family has never been accused of playing the corporate game... We're to smart for that!

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had someone like you make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in” said the woman. “Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules...” And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and down it went, straight to hell.

When the doors opened she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a clubhouse and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the clubhouse where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute even) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator. Up and up the elevator went and opened back up at the Gates of Heaven where good old St. Peter waiting for her.

“Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. “So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.” So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again down she went, straight back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today.....you’re staff.

odds, texas hold em, 4th of July, virginity

Why is it that if a person is taking a test and there are two possible answers and the person guesses at the answer, they usually get it wrong? It should be a 50-50 chance of getting it correct but, it never works out that way. In the Navy we had a saying, we called it 50-50-90. When you had to come up with an either/or answer, you had a 50-50 chance of being wrong 90% of the time.

I was playing Texas Hold'm over my Independence Day vacation. I entered a tournament with my Dad and brother at the local Indian casino. It was a horrible tournament with lots of dumb rules. I made the final table and was playing very well. Suddenly, my 50-50-90 curse struck! I was in early position and went all-in (ten times the blind) with pocket Kings, I was called by the small blind who had pocket 9's. Everyone else folded. I had about a 90% chance of winning. I lost when he flopped a third 9. Bad luck is one thing, but for that guy to even give me any action was crazy. I don't mind being unlucky, but to be unlucky against someone who doesn't know how to play or bet just drives me up the wall. Two days later we had the annual family Hold em tournament. It's a friendly family game between uncles, brothers, dads, cousins, nephews, aunts, moms, grandparents/children. A nice relaxing game that pays the top three at a 50-30-20 rate. The champion pocketed about $120.00. I went from being chip leader to being out because of two bad beats. Both times the person (my nephew) filled an inside straight to beat my better hand. The second time he got runner runner!! I'm cursed! But it was fun, I don't mind losing to family, and he was pretty happy.

The temperature was 100+ in the shade every day. We spent lots of time sitting under shade drinking Corona's and eating barbeque. The kids had a blast playing in water all day and running around "Grandmother's". Bed time was usually 11:00 pm, that was when the kids finally got tired. Also, 11:00 pm was when the temperature finally got below 90 degrees. My boy and his cousin, who is about a year older, made their first independant trip to the local convenience store together. The store is in sight and about 3 blocks away. My brother and I sent them on a mission with the wagon. They were to retrieve 10 bags of ice. We gave them about $5.00 more than the price of the ice and told them they could do what they want with the change. They came back 30 minutes later with 10 bags of ice, 3 bags of marbles, a bag of water balloons, and a bag of chips. They were very pleased with themselves. We were pleased with them also.

Finally, I was presented with the temptation of getting in to a theology debate over the perpetual virginity of Mary. My folks have a friend who, as I understand, was raised Catholic but is now in some type of Pentacostal style church. She had a question for my Dad regarding the subject because she was reading a book that stated Catholics believed in the perpetual virginity of Mary. She was simply wondering if the book was accurate. I was called over to field the question. (GETTING SIDETRACKED HERE) You see, since my reversion to the Catholic Church, which involved lots of study of doctrine and theology, I can't be around my family without being asked faith/doctrine questions. Some of my relatives refer to me as "St. Pyro" or " The Deacon". I guess because of how serious I am about practicing the Catholic faith. Sometimes I'm asked questions because there is a sincere desire to understand, sometimes it's because the questioner wants to have a debate. In the past I enjoyed feeding either motivation. Now I choose not to debate, though I want to with every fiber of my being. But I do answer the seeking information questions (END OF SIDETRACK). So this person asks if the perpetual virginity of Mary is a true Catholic doctine. I told her that it was, and that it wasn't just Catholic "doctrine" but that it was Orthodox doctrine as well. I even informed her that Martin Luther and other Protestant Reformers professed it. She then countered with the "fact" from Scripture that Mary had other children (in fact Scripture never discusses Mary having other children, it refers to some other individuals as being the "brothers/bretheren" (english translation) of Jesus). I mentioned that two of the four "brothers" were named elsewhere in scripture as the sons of a different Mary and Clopas or Alphaeus. I began to explain the correlation between the Old Testament Ark of the Covenant and Mary as the New Testament "fulfillment" of the Ark of the Covenant. She wasn't interested and stated that as a faithful Jewish woman she would have done her duty and had other children with her husband. I then disengaged and ended with restating that what she read in her book was accurate and that yes Catholic teaching was that Mary was a perpetual virgin.

It's difficult to address any question about theology without first exploring the topic of authority. Does authority exclusively reside in individual interpretation of Scripture? Is authority shared between a divinely established ecclesial heirarchy and Scripture? Is it possible for an individual to be wrong in their personal theological conclusions derived from studying Scripture? Is it possible for a divinely established ecclesial heirarchy to be wrong when declaring theological truths? Exactly what did Jesus mean when he said "...the Spirit... will guide you into all truth..." John 16: 13.

I understand the difficulty with Mary. When I was away from the Church, I learned to have difficulty with Marian doctrine and the Communion of Saints. For me, I had to understand from where authority came. Only after a person gets a firm understanding of authority can they begin to fully explore all of God's revelation. To fully understand authority requires a trip through Christian history. It's not enough to read what is accepted now by (some) Christians as authoritative Scripture. A person needs to understand how the earliest Christians viewed Sacred Scripture. How they lived their faith life. How they operated in community. How they cooperated with eachother. How they interacted with those outside their communion. How they recognized and dealt with error within the communion of believers. And what they meant when they wrote things down, such as the Apostle's Creed.

Curiously, my folk's friend didn't dwell long on Scripture. She sidestepped the fact that some of the examples of Jesus' "brothers" were elsewhere in Scripture referred to as children of different parents. She began using the extra biblical argument that as a good Jewish wife she would have been having lots of additional children with Joseph after Jesus' birth.

Since I didn't want to argue I didn't try to help her explore the inconsistancy with her tactic. As good Jews, why would Jesus and Mary and John have set up that unorthodox arangement for her care after Jesus' death? Where and when exactly did the duty of a wife in the covenant (old and new) get changed from being fruitful and open to life, to practicing artificial birth control to limit the size of a family? I'm glad she's open to viewing faith matters through the wide lense of cultural conditions, historical context, Scriptural exegisis, and doctrinal continuity. But there needs to be consistency in such things.

When a person looks back through history and researches the pedigree of certain doctrines and beliefs they begin to see just how "Catholic" the Church was since the beginning. And they see just how innovative recent Christian traditions are when they profess things such as Mary and Joseph having many other children.

Blessed Mary, ever virgin, pray for us and lead us to your Son our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Pyro